happy 6 months sweet viv

19 Dec

I cannot believe it has already been six months since you were born.  All day I’ve been intent on celebrating you and your bubba, but I’m fighting this sadness that threatens to take over.   The sadness of you growing up and not being my sweet, tiny little baby anymore.  I know life is only going to get better as I get to know you better and better and as you grow and learn, but it is so hard to feel like time is flying by so fast, and there’s nothing I can do to slow it down.  Every time I rock you to sleep or just hold and cuddle you I wish more than anything that there was a pause button where I could freeze time and hold you forever.  But I know that’s not possible and it’s not what God intended.  And I truly am excited about each new stage you are going to go through.  Life is so good with you in it, baby girl.

- from mama’s letter to you

What you weigh – 10 lbs. 1 oz.

What you eat – Nothing has really changed since last month.  You are still nursing full-time.  And while I still have feedings where I worry about how much you’re eating, I feel like we’ve really hit a stride.  Life is just easy now, and we’ve really settled into our new normal.  Guess we better get ready for things to change soon, haha!
How you sleep – You’re still our little sleeper!  Many of your naps are as long as 2.5 hours, and most are at least an hour and a half.  We hit a huge milestone this past week, and you are no longer getting swaddled for naps!  You sleep on your tummy with a blanket over your back, and you seem to really love it.  I don’t know if it was just coincidence but when we started sleeping you that way, your naps got even longer.  And I have to say, one of my absolute favorite moments of the day is when I go in and get you up from your nap.  I love picking you up off your tummy and cuddling you before I change your diaper.
What you wear – You’re still wearing 0-3 months.  I’ve started buying you 3-6 now to last you through the end of winter, but it’s all pretty big on you.
Diaper – Still on the tightest snap of Bum Genius Freetime, and we’re still loving them!
Favorite activities – bath time, laying on your towel after getting out of the bath – you don’t like to be swaddled up in the towel.  For the longest time we thought you were fussing after coming out of the bath because you were cold, but then we discovered you just don’t want the towel wrapped around you!  Facing out where you can see everything, listening to tape being pulled, laying in bed and talking in the morning, sleeping

Least favorite activities:  getting burped, laying down on your back, being wrapped up in a towel after your bath
Big moments in your sixth month of life –Visited Great Grandma Barbara’s and Grandpa George’s just for fun – helped Grandpa make peanut brittle, visited your great great great Aunt Jean and Uncle Ollie, first trip to Duncan for your first Christmas celebration, found your voice, started grabbing your feet

happy six months sweet linc

19 Dec

You are such a happy little baby.  You rarely ever get fussy unless you’re hungry, and then we better all watch out!  I love getting to hang out with you during the days, and I know I am one of the luckiest people in the world to get to spend my days taking care of you.  This past week something tragic happened and several mamas and daddies lost their little ones.  I am having such a hard time dealing with the sadness I feel over it all, and so many times in the past week I have just sat and held you and your sister and just wept.  I weep because of how sad I am at the thought of even the possibility of losing you.  I weep out of happiness because I can hardly believe how blessed I am to have you in my life.  I weep out of sympathy for those families and for the loss they are dealing with.  I hope I never have to figure out how to function without you in my life, baby boy.  You and your sissy are daddy and I’s greatest joys.  We love you more than words can describe.  Thank you for being our boy.

- from mama’s letter to you

What you weigh – 11 lbs. 1 oz.

What you eat
– You are still exclusively nursing.  Not much has change since last month.  Your schedule is still fluctuating from day to day and we still aren’t very consistent, but we don’t care.  You are such a good little eater.

How you sleep –  You are sleeping really well these days.  You take 4 naps a day, each one about 45 minutes to an hour on average.  Some naps you cry a little bit before going to sleep, but if I put you down at just the right time, you can usually fall right asleep without crying.    You finally got to stop being swaddled for naps about a week ago, but you still get swaddled for bedtime.  During naps you sleep on your tummy, and I think you really love it.  You’ve started sleeping better than ever since we started it.

What you wear – You are in 0-3 and 3-6 month clothes.

Diaper – Still wearing Bum Genius Freetime on the smallest setting.  Still loving them!

Favorite activities – Being lifted up in the air on your tummy, talking, eating, reaching for things, taking your bath, cuddling with mama, sitting in your highchair playing with kitchen utensils, playing with your new light up toy camera

Least favorite activities – being laid down on your changing table when you’re hungry, waiting to eat.  That’s pretty much it!  You are a happy little babyJ

Big moments in your sixth month of life – Visited Great Grandma Barbara’s and Grandpa George’s just for fun – helped Grandpa make peanut brittle, visited your great great great Aunt Jean and Uncle Ollie, first trip to Duncan for your first Christmas celebration, started grabbing your feet, rolled from your back to your tummy

twin life:)

we’d rather do this than look at the camera:)

thoughts

17 Dec

I’ve felt such a need all day long to sit down and write…and now that the twins are napping and I finally have the computer in front of me I feel a bit paralyzed.  My instinct is to vent about all the feelings I’ve been having since Friday afternoon – fear, pain, disbelief, thankfulness – but the core of all those feelings is the concern I feel for the victims and families of the victims of the Connecticut shooting so it feels a little bit selfish to complain.

Just like every other morning, I sat on our bed with the twins this morning…but this time I just held them and wept.  I cannot fathom what those families are experiencing.  The thought of anything ever happening to Linc and Viv is more than I can bear, and I cannot understand how those moms and dads, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters are continuing on with life.  I once heard someone say that when something like this happens, you don’t heal from the pain, you just learn to live with it.  And I know that when faced with something like this, you must just do that.  But my heart just hurts so badly for them.

This past weekend we had our first Christmas celebration with the McCoy side of our family, and amidst all the excitement my mind kept drifting, and I felt so numb.  Since Friday I find myself feeling like life shouldn’t move on, but at the same time I know it’s not right or possible to dwell on the tragedy forever.  I just don’t really know how to deal with this other than to just pray.  Pray that God will continue to make his presence known as a comfort and a source of peace to the victims, the families, the children who survived.  And that God will make his presence known as our country moves forward and changes are made to help protect our people, especially our children, better.

Aside from living a life of prayer, I also hope we can all take this as a reminder to love each other better and to focus on what really matters.  We get so wrapped up in our own selfish desires and the things of this world, and we forget that one of the most important things in life is loving each other and looking out for one another.  I hope I can begin to do that better.  To go out of my way whenever possible to make someone’s day easier if even just for a moment.  We really have to watch out for each other, even when it’s not easy.

happy 5 months, linc

4 Dec

every single time I put you down for bed whether for naps or bedtime I get overwhelmed with emotion.  I just love the feeling of your little body against mine, your head against my chest, and I don’t ever want you to stop doing that.  And I don’t ever want to forget what it feels like.  But I know you will stop doing it.  I know my days are numbered.  And I’ve never felt so torn between two things before – wanting you to grow and learn and change….and wanting you to stay my little baby boy forever.

- from mama’s letter to you


What you weigh – 10 lbs. 7 oz.

What you eat
– You are still exclusively nursing.  You eat about every 3-3.5 hours, usually for about 10-15 minutes each time.  You are such a good eater – you’ll pretty much eat anything we give you, whether it’s prune juice, vitamins or milk.  And usually if I would let you, you would stay on and nurse all day long.  At night, you only eat one time around 11:30 or midnight, and then not again until7:30.

How you sleep –  You are sleeping really well these days.  You take 4 naps a day, each one about 45 minutes to an hour on average.  Some naps you cry a little bit before going to sleep, but if I put you down at just the right time, you can usually fall right asleep without crying.    At night you are sleeping great!  We put you down around 9 or 9:30 and you sleep until about 6:30 with a dream feed around 11:30 that you don’t even wake up for.  We’re so thankful the sleep training we did is finally paying off!

What you wear – You are fully in 0-3 months clothes, and you are starting to wear 3-6 months in some things like onesies.

Diaper – You are now wearing BumGenius Freetime All in One diapers.  You wear them on the smallest setting, except sometimes we leave a snap open in the middle.  They fit you perfectly, and we love them!

Favorite activities – Being lifted up in the air on your tummy, talking, eating, reaching for things, taking your bath

Least favorite activities – being laid down on your changing table when you’re hungry, waiting to eat

Big moments in your fifth month of life – first Thanksgiving, slept through the night for the first time, first trip to Tulsa to stay the night at Uncle Jamie’s and Aunt Kristin’s, first time to Harrah to stay at Grandma’s, started reaching for things

happy 5 months, vivi

4 Dec

we are so very much alike, sweet girl.  And lately I worry that because of that we will have to work at not driving each other crazy.  But I also know that will help us to understand each other better and bond us together in the best of ways.  You’ve only been in our world for 5 months, and I already can’t imagine my life without you!

- from mama’s letter to you

What you weigh – 9 lbs. 7 oz.

What you eat – you are still nursing full time.  Sometimes mama gets worried because you will eat for less than 10 minutes and then stop.  If I try to make you eat more you scream, but if I just let you lay there and look around you’re perfectly happy.  It’s hard to believe you can get all you want in that short amount of time, but I’m starting to learn that as along as you’re happy and content, then I’ll let you lead the way!  You eat about every 3- 3.5, sometimes 4 hours, but only because bubba gets ready.  Sometimes I wonder if you’d ever eat if it wasn’t for him.  You rarely act like you’re very hungry.  I guess you’re just not a big eater!  We’re having a little trouble sorting out your evening schedule right now.  Because you are stretching your feedings out a little more, your last feeding ends up landing at about 9 o’clock, which mama thinks is a little late by the time you get your bath and get in bed.  But I also don’t want to drop one of your feedings yet…so we’re trying to figure out a good solution.  After your last feeding, you go to bed and sleep for about 3 hours before I get you up and feed you again.  You don’t even wake up to eat that feeding…you’re pretty good at eating in your sleep!  After that you don’t eat again until 7:30.

How you sleep – You love to sleep!  Naps are so so easy with you now.  When you get sleepy, I go in the nursery, turn on your sound machine, swaddle you and lay you down and you go right to sleep.  You usually sleep for at least an hour and a half if not longer.  You now get to keep one arm out of your swaddle so you can suck on your fingers.  As long as you have your fingers you sleep just fine and don’t even wake up mid-nap.  Same story at night.  You are out like a light.  Other than your 11:30 feeding, which you don’t even wake up for, you sleep straight through until about 6:30 or 7.  Then you lay in bed and talk to yourself until we get you up to eat around 7:30.

What you wear – You are now fully in 0-3 months size.  All your up to seven pounds sized stuff is too small, but I’m having a little bit of a problem packing it away so for now it’s still taking up space in your closet.  One of these days I pull myself together and put it away.  As much as I love the fact that you are growing, I just can’t bear the thought of losing my tiny little baby girl.

Diaper – You are now wearing the regular sized Bum Genius Freetime all in one diaper.  It fits you great and rarely leaks at all.  Sometimes we snap it on the tightest setting, but sometimes we even leave a snap open in the middle.

Favorite activities – sitting up facing out, hearing the sound of tape being pulled, holding/chewing on your sophie teether, sleeping, standing up, bathtime, holding hands with bubba

Least favorite activities:  getting burped, laying down on your back

Big moments in your fifth month of life – Slept through the night! Started reaching for toys, rolled from your front to your back, lifted your upper body up during tummy time, first trip staying the night at Grandma’s in Harrah, first trip staying the night at Uncle Jamie and Aunt Kristin’s in Tulsa

the story of lincoln and vivian's arrival. part 3.

2 Nov

Part 1.

Part 2.

I grudgingly put on the hospital gown and made my way to the bed where Kenzie began strapping me into all kinds of monitors.  Now we’re talking, I thought to myself as graphs and images appeared on the computer screen to my left.  Within seconds the sound of the babies’ heartbeats became discernible, and we could see the steady rhythms on the screen.  A sigh of relief whooshed out of me, and I began to relax just a little.  Aside from the heart monitors, I was also hooked up to a contraction monitor.  Finally we were going to find out if what I’d been feeling all night were actually contractions or just something else insignificant.  After watching for what felt like forever, Kenzie confirmed that they were actually contractions.  But at this point they were not nearly as intense and were very sporadic.  She didn’t seem super concerned at this point, so neither were Jon or I.

After several more routine checks, I was told that they were going to check my cervix.  I had of  course had my cervix checked a number of times in the preceding weeks, so I began to gear up for what was coming.  After making a few last minute preparations, she checked me.  As she finished, she informed us that I was dilated to a 4.  I was very confused at first because she didn’t act alarmed at all, so I double checked to make sure I understood what she was saying.  I knew a 4 wasn’t like the baby was about to come out, but it seemed a little far considering I was only 32 weeks.  After calling the doctor back again, she calmly told us that we would not be leaving the hospital and that they were going to transfer us to another room.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement.  Sadly the details of what happened next are already a little fuzzy, but I know they immediately wheeled me down the hall and into a new room where they hooked me up once again to all the monitors as Jon and I sat in disbelief.  I began to think through all the things that were left undone at home…all the things I didn’t bring with me…and all the things I still needed to prepare before babies’ arrival.  But I was quickly realizing that none of that was really going to matter.  Shortly after arriving to my new home around 2 in the morning, we were told that in order to stop the contractions, they were going to put me on a magnesium drip.  The magnesium would slow down my entire system, and therefore hopefully stop the contractions, which were working to further dilate me.  I vaguely remember being told that the magnesium could have some side effects, but nothing could have prepared me for how it made me feel.  My whole body heated up like a furnace, radiating heat through my face, my neck…my entire body.  As it worked to slow down the contractions, it also slowed down everything else which left me unable to even lift my arms.  I couldn’t use my muscles or even focus my eyes on anything.  When someone would talk to me I would try to look at them, and my eyes would just cross, my eyelids hanging heavy.  I’ve never felt anything like it before.  While it left me feeling extremely miserable, it did in fact stop my contractions, and by morning we were all feeling much less alarmed about the babies’ coming.  I was only 32 weeks, and the twins were definitely not ready to thrive in the outside world.  At this point our goal was to keep them in as long as possible, whether that be another 3 days or 3 weeks.  Thankfully the babies themselves were doing great, and all the nurses kept bragging on them, which made me a really proud mama:)  And I got to fall asleep to their heartbeats every night, so if there ever was a plus to hospital bedrest that was definitely it.

Over the course of the next 10 days (day 2, day 5, day 6, day 9) the days became a bit monotonous.  I was in and out of labor, and off and on magnesium on a daily basis.  At one point, they gave me a little break from the magnesium and treated me with a Breathine shot instead.  Ironically, instead of slowing down my system, this sped things up, making my heart race and my body feel jittery.  Thankfully, Jon was able to take off work some as well as work from the hospital room quite a bit.  His office was a stone’s throw away from my hospital room, which was such a blessing.  I spent the days either trying to get through the pain or being mostly incoherent from the medication.  There were some easier moments that I would use to write a blog post or have a visitor, but almost every time visitors would leave, contractions would inevitably start back up, so we tried to keep people at bay.  I’m not much of a TV watcher, but OKC Thunder was in the playoffs during that week, so Jon and I watched our first games of that season on some evenings.

While it was the hardest 10 days of my life, it was also really hard on Jon.  He was trying to keep up not only with his day job, but also his side business, keep me company, communicate what was going on with me to everyone and take care of things at the house among other things.  I can’t imagine how he could have done more to keep us both sane and things running smoothly on the outside, while in that little hospital room it felt like life was on pause.  I really don’t know what I would have done without him.

the day before the twins were born

one of my favorite visitors:)

loved it when Jon brought these from home…I just kept staring at them:)

my view from bed

keepin’ it real

sweet gift from Jon’s aunts

the cafeteria didn’t quite know how to handle my vegetarianism, but they could make a mean fruit plate

never gets old

There were moments when our time in the hospital seemed like it would never end, and we found ourselves torn between wanting it to end and wanting it to last so that the babies could keep growing.  Mostly we just wanted to make sure they were going to be healthy.  But on day 10 we woke up early after a long night of contractions, having no idea that it would be the scariest, but most incredible day of our lives.

to be continued…

about 2 years ago…

30 Oct

Jon and I were shopping around in the Plaza District and we ended up in a store that carries some handmade items.  At the time we were trying really hard to have a baby with no luck at all, and were on the cusp of our infertility journey.  As we were shopping I spotted the sweetest little crocheted purple and white hat, and the second I laid eyes on it I knew I had to have it.  Feeling a bit silly, I splurged on this sweet little gift for the future baby we didn’t even know if we would have.  I went home that day (we were living with my parents at the time) and tucked the brown paper bag away, knowing that if I looked at it everyday it would just make me sad.  A matter of months later we finally moved into our new house, and I found a special place on my closet shelf.  Oftentimes I would glimpse the edge of the bag as I was hanging up clothes or debating over what to wear to work, and I’d feel a tinge of sadness, but also a surge of hope.

After many months of waiting and uncertainty, a long pregnancy complete with bedrest at home, time in the hospital, 17 days in the NICU and a glorious 4 months with my sweet baby girl, I finally got to fish the little hat out of my closet and plop it on her perfect little head.

My heart is full.

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