trying to let go

2 Jul

Gosh, guys, I’m trying to write my resignation letter, and it feels like I’m going through this decision making process all over again.  My resignation is not official until the letter is sent to the Board, and they cannot post my job until then as well.  So, it almost feels like this is as big of a deal as when I had to walk in and tell my principal the news.

This is so hard.  I thought I’d be feeling free as a bird, but instead I still feel timid and doubtful. I never realized that leaving a job that I know is not best for my life would be so difficult and emotional.  I figured I’d be so overcome with excitement about the possibilities of the future that I wouldn’t even look back.

So, why do I found myself continually glancing back over my shoulder?

This past year, I honestly gave my life to this job, and even though I don’t want to do that again, I feel an emotional attachment that is hard to break.  It’s like my school and the people there became a part of who I was, and now I’m consciously choosing to let that part of me go.

I’m trying to be brave, but of course I have doubts.  What if I regret my decision?  What if the commute wouldn’t have seemed as taxing this year?  What if the dreams I’m following don’t work out?  What if I fail and become even more unhappy than I’ve been this past year?

I always look at people who have made a change in their life in order to be successful at something they’re passionate about, and I admire them immensely.  But I don’t ever think about the people who make a change and then their dreams don’t pan out.  Until now.  Now it’s me who is stepping out to try and make my life what I want it to be.  And it’s so scary.

And the tears just keep coming.

In an effort to carry on, let’s talk about food.

With all the stress I’ve been feeling this week, I just haven’t had much of an appetite.  Especially in the mornings.  But, alas, I was feeling weak and shaky this morning, so I knew I need something to get me through some time on the treadmill and yoga.

I went with an old childhood favorite, but healthified it!  When I was growing up my mom would make us cinnamon toast by spreading butter over the toasted bread, then sprinkling it with sugar and cinnamon and spreading it all around.  It’s funny how food can evoke such vivid memories:)

This morning I toasted a piece of ezekiel bread and spread a thin layer of Earth Balance over it, then sprinkled it with cinnamon.  I could have added a bit of sweetener, but decided against it because my stomach just needed something kind of bland.

Along with it, I had a green monster of course.  But I lightened up on the ingredients a bit – this one contained

  • two handfuls spinach
  • 1/2 banana
  • a little over a cup of almond milk
  • ice

Simple and healthy.

By the time I got to the gym this morning I only had time to do about a mile on the treadmill before yoga.  Ideally I would have had more time but I just have so much going on today, that I decided to just call it a day after class was over.

On the list for today

  • do some invoicing for Outbox
  • write and send my resignation letter:(
  • place an amazon order for a book I’m needing
  • meet with Mohammad
  • think through some things for my interview
  • rock my interview!
  • figure out what foods I want to take for the lake this weekend
  • mail some bills

What are your plans for the 4th of July? Jon and I are meeting my family at my Grandparent’s lake cabin.  We’ll be leaving Saturday and returning on Monday, and unfortunately there is no internet access down there, so unless I figure out how to schedule a couple of posts (does anybody know how to do this?), CSM will be awfully lonely for a couple of days.

I hope you all have a great Friday and if you’re headed out of town be safe and have a great holiday weekend!

See ya later!

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12 Responses to “trying to let go”

  1. Heather (Where's the Beach) July 2, 2010 at 10:04 am #

    I went through the same thing 2 years ago when I finally quit my job of 8.5 years. It was the most miserable situation too. I literally cried every single morning before work and sometimes at work. I dreaded waking up to be quite honest. Yet, when it came down to turning in that letter and saying those words…I actually second-guessed it. No joke. It was the security and familiarity of it I think. I knew what to expect even if it was awful. Sad right? So, again, I hear you loud and clear. I hope you have good day girl! Just keep reminding yourself of why you are making this choice.

    • candice July 3, 2010 at 11:28 am #

      I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to do something like this after 8.5 years! And hearing that you still second guessed it even though it was so bad helps me to know that my second guessing isn’t necessarily valid.

      You are SO right about the familiarity issue. I think that is a high percentage of the reason why I am struggling with this. It’s so hard to go from the known into the unknown.

      “Just keep reminding yourself of why you are making this choice.” – such good advice. I’ve thought to this line every time I’ve started to doubt in the last couple of days. I’m so thankful we’re friends:)

  2. ely July 2, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    Forge ahead sweet friend, you can do it! The hard part is over– this letter is to a board of people you don’t even know, just a formality.

    You’ve always be hard on yourself with tough choices, but I think you can look back on the times when choice have been hard, but you have been rewarded in the end. Your heart is so committed to doing the right thing, you fret and fret over choices. I know you’ve prayerfully considered your options, so jump head first and feel blessed that you have the opportunity and ability to pursue something you might love! And even if you don’t love it, it will be a stepping stone to something you do.

    Your identity is not in what you do, it’s who you are. And a job is not who you are. Your worth is much more than the paycheck and responsibilities you had.

    You’re going to LOVE this new step, I know you will. You just have to embrace it. And Olive will like having a stay at home mommy again 🙂

    Love you, xoxoely

    • candice July 3, 2010 at 11:24 am #

      The day I had to go in and resign, I was wishing so badly that I would have called you (I knew you were at work) because you know me so well and you always have such wise advice.

      Everything you said is so true, especially the part about me fretting over choices bc I want to do the right thing!

      “Your identity is not in what you do, it’s who you are. And a job is not who you are. Your worth is much more than the paycheck and responsibilities you had.” – I needed to hear this so much. I know this, but I forget it and sometimes it feels like my whole life is about which job I choose. So crazy. Thank you for always speaking truth to me:)

      Thanks for taking time to write such an insightful and sweet comment. We need to see each other soon. Love you!

  3. Mary July 2, 2010 at 12:54 pm #

    Hey Candice,

    I just started catching up on some of my blogs and saw that you made your decision. For what it’s worth, I just wanted to say that I think you made a good decision. Being in a similar boat, I think it’s really normal for you to be feeling distress. I had to make the decision to wait on grad school, and now I regret it. However, the Lord has shown me so much about myself and grown me as a person. He will do the same for you regardless of the road you choose to take. If nothing else, this will help you to continue to fine-tune your interests and skills until you find something you absolutely love. Now go courageously on and choose joy 🙂

    I’m still praying for your friend. Love you!

    -Mary

    • candice July 3, 2010 at 11:20 am #

      Thanks Mary. That means a lot coming from you. I know it’s silly, but being affirmed about it pushes me toward being more confident about my decision.

      The Lord has already shown me so much just through this process of leaving, and I am so excited to grow and learn more. You are so right about Him being there either way…that’s what I had to finally realize in order to walk in and resign this week.

      I love your last charge “Now go courageously on and choose joy.” I must write that down where I can see it everyday because often I forget that joy is something we can/must choose. love you!

  4. kelli July 2, 2010 at 1:09 pm #

    i’ve been reading but haven’t had time to comment. i was so proud of you when i read that you wanted to start thriving, not surviving. that is why i left teaching after 3 years. i chickened out at the end of the first two years because i had the emotions you are feeling. i was attached to the students and some of my friends there, but i was struggling to be me each day. the job sucked the life right outta me some days and living started to become a drag. i knew it wasn’t supposed to be like that.

    it’s been two years and i haven’t looked back once. you will be amazed at the blessings you encounter along your path when you have time to slow down and enjoy them. you will love your new freedom. (i can already see you are!) don’t be afraid to take the leap!=)

    • candice July 3, 2010 at 11:16 am #

      Aww, it’s okay. Thanks for taking the time to write such a meaningful comment. I remembered a bit of your story about leaving teaching, but hearing the whole story is so affirming. I’m so encouraged to hear that you struggled with leaving, even though it was definitely the right decision. You described me to a T!

      I’m so glad that you feel more at peace and happy now, and I’m so looking forward to experiencing it myself. I think it’s slowly setting in with every day that goes by. Thank you for being so sweet and for your encouragement:)

  5. Sarah July 3, 2010 at 12:06 am #

    You can do it girl. I understand you must have an emotional attachment to your job because you were working with kids and when you work with people you have to give something of yourself. But, you were unhappy and it zapped your strength and positive energy. Maybe we don’t hear about peoples regrets because they don’t have any related to quitting a job that wasn’t right for them? Feel better soon. Prayers and hugs xxxx PS hope you have a great holiday weekend! xxx

    • candice July 3, 2010 at 11:13 am #

      Thanks so much for the encouragement. You’re so right about everything. I hadn’t yet pinpointed that having worked with my students was contributing to my stress over this, but that makes so much sense! I really needed to hear everything you said. You are such a good friend:)

      • Sarah July 3, 2010 at 11:30 am #

        You’re welcome 🙂 Hope you’re feeling better xoxoxo

        PS you’ve inspired me to get on the cardio fitness train again so I’ve just joined the gym; just did my first workout- was rubbish but it feels good to start somewhere. xxx

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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